someone owes me an orgasm
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
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When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
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Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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