I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
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She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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