saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
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There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
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I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize