i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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