I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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