I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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