11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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