I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
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I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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