Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
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Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
she peed on how many people?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
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