i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
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I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
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my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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