In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
There are leaves in my underwear?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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