I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
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All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
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I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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