so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
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He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
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You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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