My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
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You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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