please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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