someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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