Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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