Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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