Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
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When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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