I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
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Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
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So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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