My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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