You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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