so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
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She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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