I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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