If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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