I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
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On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
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Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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