I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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