I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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