also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize