I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
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Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
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It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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