So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
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my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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