It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize