It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
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my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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