I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
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until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
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I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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