I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize