The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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