so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
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I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm gonna fight the coyote
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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