Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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