This is not my ceiling
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
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He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
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Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
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