you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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