Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize