My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Randomize