Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
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She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
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Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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