being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
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Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
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Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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