she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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