I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
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i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
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How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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