Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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