saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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