just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
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The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
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I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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