Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
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theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
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I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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